the world of a goddess

When you're too old for birthdays

2012-01-09T20:41:00.001+08:00

You know you're too old for birthdays when:
1. You have to be away from home because school starts the next day.
2. School starts on the day of your birthday.
3. You didn't have a real birthday dinner.

Here's what happened on my 21st birthday last January 3, 2012.

Chapter 1: lecture and gifts

*I came in late [again. what's new] for my OS lecture. As soon as I got to my seat, Jean greeted me and gave me this:

I barely had the chance to get comfortable in my seat. The gesture was so cute, my heart melted. [weeh. hoho]

And then in the middle of the lecture, Rykee hands me a

Ferrero Rocher [omg ferrero! <3] with this note:

So I thought my birthday wasn't so bad at all.

We had a break in between two lectures [hoho. Two lectures on your birthdaaay!] and during the break, Nini gave me this:

She said it was for me not to loose my keys. Except I have accepted the fact that [And I quote Joanna Marie]:"It doesn't matter how many keys or what kind of key chain you use because it's you using the key.

Yes. I have key issues. hohoho

Chapter 2: Clinics

I wanted an OM chair, but I was OS. And I was done with my OS requirements. But since I got a low grade in one case, I thought, "Why not add one more?"

There wasn't anybody in OD for extraction patients so I thought of testing my lucky stars [hey, it was my bday] and went looking for patients among pedicab drivers. But there wasn't anyone. So I decided to just put NW [for no work] in my attendance and hang out with Eula and maybe 'help' Rykee [who had an exo patient but wasn't in my shift. booo.]. I was just starting to 'help' when Ella called telling me she found an extraction patient for me. Ho-ho.

Best part: He already had a chart [meaning less time to spend on paper work]

Worst part: His tooth was super duper matigas. [I know that was conyo talk but it's the best way to express it. :p]

I couldn't elevate the tooth! And the forceps was unable to move the tooth. My face was full of butil ng pawis and my hands and arms were really tired [as in ngalay tired]. I had to ask Dr. Escoto to step in. There I learned that it was really hard because he exclaimed, "Ang tigas ah!"

So then I realized, it wasn't just because I was a girl--the tooth was just matigas. hohoho. And even after dr.E had moved the tooth a little bit, I still had a hard time pulling out the ~~freaking~~ tooth.

Eula had to hold the patient's head while I try to extract the tooth [because I needed my two hands so I could exert more force!]. When the tooth was finally pulled out, I found myself exclaiming, "Thank you Lord!" [Something that I don't usually say after each extraction.].

I did root canal [step: access prep, 3rd to the last day of my shift. o ha.] in the afternoon. Dr. Pagdanganan asked me if it really was my birthday. Maybe she was kind to me that day because it was my birthday. hoho. Kidding. I guess I was really lucky that day because I didn't block the canal [something I'm very good at].

All in all, I guess clinics on my birthday wasn't bad at all.

Chapter 3: After Clinics

After clinics, I found out that our supposed combined birthday party dinner was cancelled because Gel and Bela had to go. On our way to just eat an ordinary dinner out [thank you btw to bianca, ella and eula for waiting for me], Trisha and friends came with this:

So I got to do this:

I mentioned not having a real birthday dinner because it was just an ordinary dinner. Then again, how do you know what a birthday dinner is. But the day wasn't over yet because [tenenen], I got sick in the middle of the dinner. ho-ho-ho. Who gets sick on the day of her birthday?

You'd think I would be resting when I got home. But nooo, Kipchi and I had to do our research assignment [best way to spend your birthday. super.]

After Kipchi left, I didn't want to sleep yet [because I was feeling really bad at this point in time] sooo I decided to do this:

This was Eula's bday gift, courtesy of P. Gil vendors. ho-ho. Special thanks to Joanna Marie for helping me build it [not actually help. she was actually the one who built it because I was FAIL. hoho]

After two days, Steph came with these: So now, I have this:

Here's to wishing [hard] for ~~better~~ best birthdays to come.
And to graduating on time.

If this was a movie

2011-11-26T23:18:00.001+08:00

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't cheat!

Opening Credits: SEXY BITCH David Guetta ft. Akon
*Excuse me. Opening credits pa lang. ((:

Waking Up: PAIN IN MY HEART Arnel Pineda
*I think I should stop this now. KADIRI. :p

First Day At School: PICTURE ME [instrumental] Yiruma
*I have nothing to say.

Falling In Love: Piano Concerto No. 21 In C Major, II. Andante*IT WAS PART OF THE GG SOUNDTRACK THAT I DOWNLOADED! season 2 ((:

Prom: LOVE IN THIS CLUB Usher
*I wanna make love in this club [in this club, yeah. in this club, yeah]

First Boyfriend: I'M JUST A... [another instrumental from Yiruma]
*I listen to yiruma when I study. no judging. [WHERE ARE THE NICE SONGS IN MY PLAYER?]

Graduation: SWEET BABY [some oldies song, i don't know the artist]
*It's not making sense anymore. ((:

Getting a job: MAGASIN e-heads
*Magiging sikat ako. :p

Marriage:PROMISCUOUS GIRL Nelly Furtado
*------[no words]----

Fight Song: FALL FOR YOU Secondhand Serenade
*Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again, don't make me change my mind. <3

Breaking up: CUPPYCAKE Strawberry Shortcake
*this is turning out to be boring

Life's OK: BREAK MY BANK New Boyz ft. Iyaz
*sayaw nalang tayo. la la la

Mental Breakdown: GIMME MORE Britney Spears
*I should have heard this yesterday when dr.A and dr.J talked to me. ((:

Driving: IF EVERYONE CARED Nickelback
*Cool song.

Flashback: BRIGHT LIGHTS BIGGER CITY Cee Lo Green
*this is actually my alarm tone. :p

Getting Back Together: LIKE MY MOTHER DOES Lauren Aliana
*ho-ho-ha-ha-ho-ho [When I love, I give it all I've got like my mother does]

Wedding: OUT OF MY LEAGUE Stephen Speaks
*Weddings are out of my league.

Final Battle: TRYING TO FIND MY WAY Lifehouse
*kru.kru.kru

Death Scene: SILHOUTTE Kenny G.
*Mwahahaha. No sense at all.

Funeral Song: SEMBREAK E-heads
*noted.

End Credits: PLEASE DON'T STOP THE MUSIC Rihanna
*THIS WAS REALLY BORING.

Monster beneath your bed

2011-11-24T22:12:00.001+08:00

I remember our high school retreat when my classmate shared that he would cry at night because he's scared of losing his parents [or was that family?] I remember agreeing with him and feeling the same way. I have always thought that the worst thing in life is losing even just one member of your family.

And now I find myself facing it head-on. "Staring at the cold eyes of death" doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now. And I remember Bea Alonzo's line in that movie where she loses her mom [sorry na, I support Philippine cinema kasi], "Kaya ko lahat ng problem sa mundo, 'wag lang 'to [referring to the imminent death of her mother]." I cannot deal with this. I do not want to deal with this. I know everybody dies in the end. But I cannot-- do not want to bear the thought of this happening. Pretty please.

If you really must go, would you please please wait for me to get home so I can a least say my proper goodbye?
Can you choose not to go nalang, please? You haven't even seen me in my doctor outfit yet. :(

C-L-I-N-I-C-S

2011-11-22T20:43:00.001+08:00

I have been in the clinics for more than one week now and I think I've picked up the rhythm. I just haven't picked up the tempo or the pace yet. I'm a super slow worker--I couldn't do two patients in one half day when others could do it. I wish I had super powers!

I haven't had the chance to take a picture of myself doing everything. Aside from the fact that it is totally un-professional, I just don't have the time because everything happens so fast that before I know it, the day is over. I'd want to blog one by one about my patients--because everyone is so different such that THERE IS NO DULL MOMENT. [Well there is--the part where you wait for your patient because she's ~~late~~. That's the only dull moment that you will have. Even so, your mind will still be racing trying to recall the procedures that you will do while worrying whether your patient will come or not.] Sometimes the anxiety is too much, I feel like vomiting or nauseous. Or am I redundant? Haha. Anyway, I'd want to blog about them but there's too much to write and I'm super lazy. Maybe I'll try one day.

Our sterilizing Kuya asked me, "Iba dito sa taas no [referring to clinics. taas because the clinics was on the 3rd floor of our 3-storey building]? Ano mas gusto mo--clinics or lecture?"
Admittedly, I thought twice what to answer. I mean, the clinics was driving me crazy when he asked me that. After a looong time [5 seconds] of thinking and reflecting and digging deep in my heart, I answered what my heart told me [yeah, my heart talks. haha], "CLINICS, definitely."

I don't expect people to understand my answer--except maybe my batch mates. Even so, I hope I was able to make you feel the instability I feel right now because of clinics. When I say instability--it's both positive and negative. Go figure. (:

Congratulations to the walang iwanan club for making it to clinics (:

what I hope I look like in the clinics
[yes, I know I don't look this gorgeous, mkay?]

Of first times with cupcakes and forceps

2011-10-24T23:45:00.000+08:00

3-1 has been very hard on me. It is just right that I end it with first times that makes me happy.

PATTY'S BRIDAL SHOWER [of tears]:

10.21.11 at patty's house

with Joanna, Janine, Ken, Jane, Gliza,

Janelle, Gel, Roni and Trisha

BATASAN HILLS DENTAL MISSION [my first time to extract. ever]

It was surreal. I couldn't believe I did it. I mean, I know I will be doing it anytime soon.

[cross fingers. Clinics!]

But I came to the mission ~~not~~ expecting to do anything aside from

assisting the clinicians. And then Kuya Rod made me extract.

I have nothing else to say except that IT WAS AWESOMEEEE.

I can't wait to be in clinics!

And I'm thankful to Ate Karina and Kuya Rod for trusting me enough with the patient

and for giving me a chance to do something that will make me believe in myself.

[and for guiding me and knowing when to make me do things by myself.]

It was awesome. It was exhilarating. It was unbelievable.

I heart Oral Surgery.

And it's gonna be hard

2011-09-10T13:04:00.002+08:00

I can't help it. I saw I wasn't blocked anymore! I had to stalk!

Here's a song that people would call

"story of my life". Perfect song, I would say.

Lemme just defend myself--I wasn't expecting to feel like singing this.

Then again, when did the things I expect to happen

ever happen?

I don't know how to put a link or an mp3 here. So I'm just gonna put the lyrics:

THE SCRIPT=♥.

When's the day you start again
And when the hell does "you'll get over it" begin
I'm looking hard in the mirrorBut I don't fit my skin. It's too much to take
It's too hard to break me
From the cell I'm in

Oh from this moment on
I'm changing the way I feel yeah
From this moment on
It's time to get a real

Cause I still don't know how to act
Don't know what to say
Still wear the scars like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and moved on
Cause you're long gone
But I still don't know where to start, still finding my way
Still talk about you like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and moved on
But you're long gone, you moved on

So how'd you pick the pieces up yeah
I'm barely used to saying me instead of us
The elephant in the room keeps scaring off the guests
It gets under my skin to see you with ~~him~~ [her]
And its not me that you're with

Oh from this moment on
I'm changing the way I feel yeah
From this moment on
It's time to get a real

Cause I still don't know how to act
Don't know what to say
Still wear the ~~scars~~ like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and moved on
Cause you're long gone
But I still don't know where to start, still finding my way
Still talk about you like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and moved on
But you're long gone, you moved on

No I can't keep thinking that you're coming back
No
Cause I got no business knowing where you're at
No
And its gonna be hard yeah
Cause I have to wanna heal yeah
And its gonna be hard yeah
The way I feel that I have to get real

I still don't know how to act
Don't know what to say
Still wear the scars like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and moved on
But you're long gone
But I still don't know where to start, still finding my way
Still talk about you like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and moved on
But you're long gone, you moved on

I feel like Snape right now. What is wrong with me?

*while looking for the lyrics, I typed long and then yahoo suggested long distance relationship.

the world and it's humor.

tell me, How is it possible to get your heart broken two times by two different people in just 1 week even without being in a relationship with either of them?

OMG. TMI! ((:

*currently neglecting endo and od.

gotta love my life

A cup of notebooks and a pages of coffee

2011-01-14T00:34:00.003+08:00

For the longest time, I've been meaning to write here. I've had few attempts and more than many intentions to write but I can't seem to find something or someone or even somewhere (?) to write about. Thus, I conclude that it is extremely difficult to be a writer. (haha.)

Yesterday, I went to Starbucks Adriatico with my batchmates, Ate Ella and Gel. They're people from my new "barks". I've been hanging out with them ever since I "broke" up with my college ~~bff~~.

Since I was extremely hurt and the pain I went through was intense, I joined the group with both hands tightly holding on to my heart. Or a better description would be, with my heart in a sealed box with a hundred locks to make sure it is kept away, thus 'safe'. I know I couldn't ~~risk~~ it anymore. It's been through a lot lately so I knew that for the love of me, I can NOT allow ~~anything or anyone to cause it pain anymore~~.

My intention for coming over was more of companionship since I was really bored after studying for the exam for more than a week. Little did I know that somehow, the study session was going to lead to a very liberating conversation-one that allowed me to talk without concealing the ugly details. And that is something that I haven't done in a long while.

After the talk, I realized that there is still something good that's going on my life. I've been facing a lot of difficult things lately to that I was able to conclude that the world was out to get me. Or something like that.

God does answers prayers-just not the exact way you had in your mind. And it takes a lot to figure it out. But I guess it's worth the wait and bafflement, if there's such word.

I'm still scared to lay out all my cards in the table. I'm still scared to open my heart completely to them. But right now, I'm settling on the 'feel good' feeling that I am feeling as of the moment.

And I guess that is enough for now. (:

"Baka kaya tayo iniiwan ng mga taong mahal natin kasi baka may bagong darating na mas ok...na mas mamahalin tayo. 'Yung taong di tayo sasaktan at paasahin.'Yung nag-iisang tao na magtatama ng mali sa buhay natin."

Dear Patricia,

2010-12-09T16:38:00.002+08:00

Hi.

It's your mother's birthday tomorrow.

And right now, I feel so bad since the groups we are in

have very different opinions on everything.

The thing is...we used to get along with just about everything.

Or, I'd voice out what we both agree on.

Now, I just hear you complain after the meeting is over.

I feel bad that I'm not able to voice out for you.

I feel bad that we are not in agreement anymore.

I feel bad that you're so close and still so far.

Please note that I miss you.

And that you are my bff forever and ever.

We've been through a lot.

You saw me through the most difficult days

I had in college.

You were the first person who made me feel

that I belong, that I matter in UP.

And please know that I cried a lot

when I knew that our friendship was...

well, it didn't exactly end, right?

It was my fault that I got overwhelmed by

jealousy.

It was my fault that I let my feelings come

between our friendship.

But I believe, it wasn't my fault

that I got hurt.

I guess aside from vanity,

jealousy is my greatest weakness.

I guess you wouldn't know how much it hurt

when I saw your face light up every time

your new best friend is around,

when I wouldn't see that kind of glow when

you're with me.

You wouldn't know how much it hurt

when I realized that our personalities

were much too different

that we aren't able to complement each other.

You wouldn't know how much it hurt

because you're such a kind person

and you wouldn't think of such things.

I wish I was an angel like you

who can easily let go of things,

who will give way without any grudges.

But I'm not. I'm me.

I get jealous. I get hurt.

And I run away from any of those things.

I'm sorry if I wasn't a good friend.

Love,

thea.

Marsh-mellow. (:

2010-12-01T21:13:00.003+08:00

In order to inflict pain to someone- or wish to, one would have to care in the first place.

I got that line from a book: The Royal Hunter by Donna Kaufman. It isn't a famous book. The owner got it for 99 pesos only. I got/stole it from my old dorm. But I'm not here to talk about the book.

I think there are only 2 excuses you are allowed to give when giving up in a relationship is when you don't love the person anymore or you are in so much pain.

However, there are 2 kinds of pain-the real pain and the trivial pain.

The trivial things high school girls would say- "It's too much pain." or "It's too painful, I had to let go." I think it's too trivial a reason to give up on a relationship. I think they're self-inflicted pain. Or selfish pain. The pain that you feel when you think you are not getting what you think deserve.

The real pain, well, is the pain you feel without thinking about what you deserve. You get it? It's when your partner makes you feel that you don't deserve anything.

It's that pain that you don't realize you're feeling because you're too busy thinking about how much you love her/him and how to CHANGE YOURSELF to make her/him happy.

It's when s/he is abusing you and your love?--that makes a good excuse for giving up on the relationship.

I'M NOT EVEN IN A RELATIONSHIP. HAHAHAHA.

It's so fluffy, I'm gonna dieeeeeee!

I was asking my roomie for a title for this entree [pagkain? haha]

me: gimme a catchy word.

roomie: what kind of word?

me: anything in your mind right now?

roomie: LOVE.

*love. love. love.*

Santa, can you hear me?

2010-11-29T11:38:00.008+08:00

Here's my christmas wishlist:

1. Nokia C3

2. Itouch (?)

3. That cute shirt

4. and that cute blazer

5. Face shop's lip liner

6...

I only have 5 things in my christmas wish list. I'm not surprised since I know that right now, what I want most are not material things. I want the abstract things. The best things that are supposedly free [but really hard to find.]

And I think, the top3 abstracts that I'm yearning to have are security, happiness and contentment.

[and, well, a new love for a bonus? :p]

Oh well, spread the love. The holiday season's here.

And oh, let's not forget the real reason why we celebrate Christmas:

I'm 19 and I act like 19! yeahboi (:

2010-11-20T23:52:00.002+08:00

[] You know how to make a pot of coffee

[X] You keep track of dates using a calendar

[] You own a credit card

[] You know how to change the oil in a car

[X] You've done your own laundry

[X] You can vote in an election

[X] You can cook for yourself

[X] You think politics is interesting

TOTAL SO FAR: 5

[X] You show up for school late a lot

[X] You always carry a pen/pencil in your bag/purse/pocket

[X] You've never gotten a detention

[] You have forgotten your own birthday

[X] You like to take walks by yourself

[X] You know what credibility means, without looking it up

[X] You drink caffeine at least once a week

TOTAL SO FAR: 11

[X] You know how to do the dishes

[] You can count to 10 in another language

[] When you say you're going to do something you do it

[] You can mow the lawn

[X] You study even when you don't have to

[] You have hand washed a car before

TOTAL SO FAR: 13

[X] You can spell experience, without looking it up

[] The people at Starbucks know you by name

[] Your favorite kind of food is take out

[X] You can go to the store without getting something you don't need

[] You understand political jokes the first time they are said

[X] You can type pretty quick

TOTAL SO FAR: 15

[] Your only friends are from your place of employment (school counts)

[] You have been to a Tupperware party

[X] You have realized that practically no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.

[] You have more bills than you can pay

[X] You have been to the beach

[] You use the internet every day

[] You have traveled overseas for more than 5 times

[X] You make your bed in the morning

[X] You realized people of the opposite sex might just make better friends.

TOTAL: 19

*** Repost this with the subject as: I'm (how old you are) but I act like I'm (what you got on the test)

*** The number of people you have to tag is the number you got on the test

*** And you have to tag the person who tagged you back

Blog no. 100

2010-09-11T23:40:00.003+08:00

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't cheat!

Opening Credits: TOP OF THE WORLD by The Carpenters
*yes. good start (:

Waking Up: CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU by Lady Antebellum
*new song.

First Day At School: IMPOSSIBLE by Shontelle
*this won't be impossible! (:

Falling In Love: DEFYING GRAVITY by Glee Cast
*It's time to try defying gravity. So you won't bring me DOWN. I ain't falling! (:

Prom: I STAY IN LOVE by Mariah Carey.
*made me laugh. I stayED in love with you. ((:

First Boyfriend: TONIGHT by FM Statice
*I wish you were here with me, tonight. (:

Graduation: THERE GOES MY BABY by Usher
*Tama na ang laughtrip, please? haha

Getting a job: NOTHIN' ON YOU by B.o.B
*so my boss are going to look at me lang! haha

Marriage: DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE by Glee Cast
*i should delete these (yes. the song and the marriage part. haha)

Fight Song: THE HOUSE THAT BUILT ME by Miranda Lambert
*uhm, the house with the family will help me fight? ((:

Breaking up: HALAGA by Parokya ni Edgar
*fine. my onting connection. umiiyak ka na naman. ((:

Life's OK: I LOVE YOU SO by Natalie
*ok na pag nagmahal na ko? ((:

Mental Breakdown: FRIEND OF MINE by Lea Salonga
*kailangan ng friend. haha

Driving: STARTRUCK by Lady Gaga
*soundtrip kasama ng roadtrip? haha

Flashback: I'M SORRY by Moonstar88
*Sorry if I hurt you. You hurt me first anyway. (:

Getting Back Together: HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS by Lady Antebellum
*uhm. uhm. uhm. I can't think of anything to say.

Wedding: BRICK BY BRICK by Train
*brick by brick, we can build it from the floor, if we hold on to each other. dapat ito yung kanina

Final Battle: THE WAY YOU LOOK TONIGHT by Micheal Buble
*i know. this is getting stupid-er every moment.

Death Scene: CRANK THAT SOLDIER BOY by Alvin and the Chipmunks
*Party! Party! hahaha

Funeral Song: CALIFORNIA GURLS by Katy Perry
*Hanggang Funeral, party party! hahaha

End Credits: I LOVE YOU by Barney
*san ka pa? hahaha. pang ending nga naman!haha

this was fun.
back to chem! :) [two years ago]

this was fun.

I shall start resto now.

100th post and it's nonsense. Like my life now. Aww.

xoxoxoxo.

Island in the Sun

2010-04-11T00:29:00.004+08:00

99th post and it's still going to be about you. I couldn't figure why everytime I feel this feeling(i still have to name this feeling), I find myself going here and writing. I'm just hoping no one reads this. And if someone's reading this, may s/he be quiet enough because I'm pretty sure these rantings here are nothing but...whatever :))

A lot has been going through, you know. And there were times when I suddenly find myself wishing you were still my friend and we can still talk about this thing I couldn't talk about to anyone else since it's only the two of us who knew about it. Unless of course you've decided to spread the word. (which I'm pretty sure you won't because you don't remember. :p)

I keep thinking this may be because it's your brother's birthday (I remember only because it comes one day after my mom's, k?) Although that's the stupid-est idea I've ever heard. I really don't know why but I seem to miss you MUCH this past few days. And I couldn't help feeling jealous. HAHAHA. I hope this doesn't get to your head.

And like all the other entries, the reverie suddenly ended. So I have nothing to write about anymore and I'm forced to end this.

Hey, just so you know. I'm happy with my decision about breaking free.(omg, it's been almost a year!) And I'm really happy you're happy. I just couldn't help wishing we were still BESTFRIENDS. b.

2010-04-04T23:47:00.002+08:00

I know I said I won't blog about you anymore. But you see, one day, I see your profile picture and then click to see your profile and then look at your other pictures and then feel jealous. (not really super jealous, just some weird feeling in my heart.)

And i'm not even going to try to be subtle here.

deym.

On a 50% basis

2010-03-17T18:08:00.001+08:00

I haven't posted a note here in like forever. And since I am not doing anything right now (and is in the mood to let my inner drama queen cry herself out), I shall let you know some thoughts-thoughts that I 've been meaning to write since december? haha

I just spent two days with my best friend. But that is not the topic. haha. my ghed. I really have a hard time starting any note. haha

I have been out of a relationship for 2 years now.(Or 3? I couldn't remember and I don't want to count. haha). And truth be told, I've been feeling some tinge of loneliness every now and then. (Because every time I see couple friends fighting, I am more than thankful I'm not experiencing it. hii).

It's not that I'm not enjoying my single time, in fact I'm happy to be single. I love the feeling that I'm not expected to text somebody every single minute of the day even the tiniest detail of my life.
I love knowing that I can wear anything without anyone objecting to how short my shorts are (which shouldn't be called shorts if they're longer, diba?haha).
I love the fact that I can talk to fellow single girls who are sad and know that they will somehow believe me because we are in the same boat.
I love the fact that I don't feel any permission from anyone aside from my mother to go anywhere i want. And most of all, I love the fact that when I shop, I can use all my money for myself and not think of saving up to get a gift for "him". :)
And oh, another thing, you can flirt with anyone and not feel guilty about it. Not that I flirt, I only flirt back. (ramos, 2008). haha

But of course, there is always the other side of the coin. And this hit me so much last friday. I mean, I've been feeling it but it hit me with some intensity that time.
"We were in lrt. Trishy was holding on to Eric and Jim was holding on to Kuya Ian. And I was in the middle of the group...holding on to the door. (matawa ka. I think it was really amusing. :) ) And being the lampa that I was, I forever making tumba and hitting people. hihi".

Not that trishy and eric is a couple. They aren't. :) Diba tixa?
And not that I'm blaming those four people for being there for each other. It was just the scene that suddenly hit me that I'm kinda lonely.

Okay. I shall stop defending my feeling because you should never be sorry for feeling anything. :)

But yeah, suddenly, I had this eureka moment and I felt alone. (not lonely). And then I realized that there are things in a relationship that you will miss pala.

Like the fact that when you go out with groups, you can be sure that there will be someone who will look out for you and you only so you will feel "safe". (parang shield sila? haha)
And when you know that you are sure to receive a good night or good morning greeting every effin' day.
And knowing you can say I love you to them without any hesitations.
And when you know that you can call/text/annoy somebody any time 24/7 and know that it's okay because you have the right to kill them if they don't grant you your wishes. :D
And the feeling that you have to put lock code in your phone because your very possessive and jealous mother will read your conversations.
And someone who will take you home after school because they are expected to do so even if your dorm is just two blocks away from school.
And having a date on valentine's day. And get a real valentine. hahaha.
And celebrating anniversaries, monthsaries, weeksaries and daysaries...lahat na ng sari-saries! (JOKE YAN :D)
And having the right to feel jealous and even feeling jealous.
And the fact that you will fall asleep knowing that someone, somewhere is thinking about you as much as you think about them.

And lastly the power to break someone's heart. LOKO LANG. :))

I'm not exactly in the "looking for a bf mode" right now. I'm not even sure if I can get into one again and love as much as I loved the last time. (char.HAHAHA). I just wanted to let out what my drama queen had to say to the net citizen. :)

Sorry for the length. It's been a while since I've written naman eh. :)

Popcorn

2010-01-29T20:24:00.004+08:00

I haven't written here since forever and i'm quite happy that my next blog will be about someone else now. Yeay for the change in subject! :))

But of course, it's in the same context. I am really counting on the fact that there aren't a lot of people who come across this blog such that I can talk here as much as I want about a certain person and no one will block me in the hallway asking me to explain everything I wrote.

Anyhoo, Happy New Year, by the way :)

So hello, Count Dracula (I haven't thought of a better name for you yet. So Count Dracula will be your temporary code name and I'm trusting nobody will figure it out :p)

You have been showing me gestures that most people with the same sanity as mine would interpret as something un-normal.

You are giving me more reasons to like you. But I am restraining myself from liking you because of the fact that I have allowed myself to feel that before and I ended up having my heart broken--with no right whatsoever to feel the pain.

I am actually begging you to break my heart once again. Then I would have enough reason to start ignoring you and then get over with my infatuation/obsession/crush/what-ever-you-want-to-call-it.

Aside from the fact that I will be breaking friendships if somebody finds out about my little secret, it will definitely be the end of me and my 'cool' pretense. Oh if only life could handle me sugar to add to my lemonade (that i made from the lemons it has handed me).

Break my heart. It's for the betterment.

Dent's first couple :)

what i would not give to get something as stable as this.

Do let me go
2009-11-15T23:42:00.006+08:00

My biggest problem in writing (as well as in everything else in my life) is the beginning. So I will skip that part and pretend I'm already in the middle part of my blog.

I have just finished watching 500 days of summer (i know it's late. at least i watched it before the year ended. :D). And I am currently listening to never say never by the fray (a song that makes me feel like crying every time i listen to it).

And I don't know why I'm writing this.

Don't let me go. Don't let me go. Don't let me go.

The thing that I learned in that movie is that you have to let go. There is a reason why we meet everyone. There is a reason why we fall in love with them and why we hurt each other.

We hurt each other so we learn. He learns what was wrong with him because of you. And when you see that he has corrected his mistakes and is happy with his life now, you feel happy too. Because deep in your heart, you know that he wouldn't have be happy and he wouldn't be what he is right now if it weren't for you. You were meant to meet him. He was meant to love you. And you were meant to love him.

We hurt each other so we learn . And because we learn from those mistakes, we become better persons-capable of loving again. Capable of loving more than we did last time and yet, capable of committing more mistakes, too.

But that is the cycle of life and love. We love someone, they love us back. And then we hurt each other and our hearts get broken. It heals and we're ready to love again. And hurt again. With each pain that tears our heart, we learn to be strong and to pick up ourselves.

Someone told me once that no love of perfect. Of course she's right. But we are all capable of love that's close to perfect--if we try hard. It's gonna be hard but it is doable. And it will take all of your being. But something tells me it will be worth it in the end.

You can never say never.

what a very lousy writing i have here. this is the effect of having to face cadavers the next day. :|

Even when it's broken

2009-11-09T15:06:00.002+08:00

Dear you,

You look so happy with her. I hope she's taking good care of you. You're not that hard to take care of anyway. I hope she makes you happier than you were before. I miss you, by the way. I miss the friendship-that one that i cannot give right now because there's too much in my fried brain. *weak smile*.

I hope to get to talk to you again someday. Just not now.

I love you. Always have, always will.

Love,
Her :)

The last night of the world

2009-10-23T21:17:00.001+08:00

Dear You,

Good morning. I must say this has to be the best morning I have ever had, since I found out that you were gone. Anyway, I came across your page today and saw a picture of you, a picture that reminded me of how I fell in love with you the very first time. And though i knew it was wrong to dwell, I started browsing into your posts and links and pictures and found myself drowning in the memories of you. I want to say that I have moved on, that I have gotten over you.. after all it has been a long time ago. However my heart still aches to see you with someone else. And my heart still breaks to see myself carrying alone this burden of broken pride, low self-esteem and endless emotional baggage. I guess I still haven't, yet it feels so good that I am now able to realize that.

It just might be human nature for me to be masochistic, to love that sensation of unlovingness and winter, to wallow in self-pity and drown in the gallows of heartbrokenness. I probably just miss the feeling of loving you. I miss the feeling of being so madly, deeply in love with you, the happiness and the sorrows that come along with it too. But I don't love you anymore, and that's what makes it so hard for me to move on. Because I don't know where the love went, if it died or if it vanished into thin air, I have no idea. All I know is I have fallen out of love for you, and now I want to do everything I can to bring back those feelings to myself so I can stop searching for them in all the wrong places.

And so the purpose of this letter is for you to know that I will move on someday, that you don't have to worry about my feelings anymore because I'm already dealing with it like a big girl now. And once I find that love again and finally decide to share it with someone else, I want you to be happy for me, just as I am happy for you now. Thank you for everything. Goodbye.

Forever grateful, Me.

of friendships and goodbye

2009-10-03T20:13:00.002+08:00

some friends are meant to be kept.
some friends are meant to be forgotten.
it just hurts that sometimes the friends you mean to keep
should be forgotten to keep yourself from hurting.

*parang text lang ah.

they say the best thing about being single is being able to spend time with your friends.
considering the kind of friends i have right now, i think i should have another relationship then.

*calling out to my "friends" :)

wala lang. malungkot lang na walang nakakausap.
at ang lungkot mag aral! haha

as if one of them will read this!boo.

tell me <3

2009-09-23T02:24:00.003+08:00

tonight i remember you. and that's all i can say.
was talking about the story yesterday to a friend.
kept on telling her to do what i'm doing.
but at the back of my mind, there was a voice.
and it was asking if what i am doing is actually helping me.
not that it's not. *shrugs off the thought*
*voice talks again: see what i mean?
yeah yeah. whatever.
so was i wrong in telling her what i told her?
i don't know. you tell me.

there's pain. and then there's no pain.
it's insanely crazy.
and there's no word to describe.
the hormones might have brought this.
or it may be just part of my system already.
it may seem pure stupidity.
but i can't help it.
so was i wrong in telling her what i told her?
after reading this, you tell me.

i couldn't finish anymore.
for the hundredth time.
just like all other times.
i feel jealous.
they say it's normal.
but i hate it. i don't like the feeling.
i want revenge, yes.
i already have my blueprint.
but of course there's no way-
no way in hell the plan is pushing through.
or maybe...

nah. i shall go back to my real life.
and leave these fantasies.
should be thankful these exist.
so to have something to confuse reality with.
this is tougher than it should be.
so tell me,
was i wrong in telling her what i told her?

oh oh oh..tell me. (joke. it's not a song. haha)

xxoo.

one day, i missed you...

2009-08-29T23:26:00.007+08:00

*poem from pablo neruda

*song:hard habit to break by chicago

**not that good resolution.sad.

***not intended to mean anything.it's more of a work of art :)

i just don't think i'll ever get over you

2009-08-24T23:41:00.002+08:00

I drink good coffee every morning

Comes from a place that's far away

And when I'm done I feel like talking

Without you here there is less to say

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy

What is closer to the truth

That if I lived till I was 102

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky

'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew

That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your face it dances and it haunts me

Your laughter's still ringing in my ears

I still find pieces of your presence here

Even after all these years

But I don't want you thinking

I don't get asked to dinner

'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do

Even though I may soon feel the touch of love

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

If I lived till I was 102

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

colin hay.

daba.daba

2009-08-19T00:43:00.002+08:00

top 10 things that happened during my daba.daba weekend.

1. on the day of my flight, i was gonna print my e-ticket but something went wrong with the docu so i had to go to another computer shop. but lo, their systems broke down just when i was gonna print it na. so, i had to go back to the other shop. i was running late and there was so much traffic. i arrived at the airport with barely a few minutes to spare before check-in counters were closed. i meet my dad and when we were gonna get inside the airport, he gives me a printed e-ticket. go figure what i felt. haha

2. since we didn't check in at the same time, we didn't get to have chairs on the same row. the bitch beside me was bitchy because she doesn't want to exchange seats sooo i made pa-cute to the man who was supposed to sit beside my dad. go figure how i did it. clue: batting eyelashes :))

3. my dad and i were supposed to surprise nice and alex. apparently, my grandma texted alex asking if my dad has arrived na. hahaha.

4. while waiting for my dad's baggage to arrive, i noticed a lot of bags with a queer name written on it. marilyn maniniid. it sounds weird and funny to me. i was gonna say it loud that it was weird but i stopped myself, exclaiming instead that ms. maniniid has so many bags. turns out ms. maniniid is the woman right beside me that time. :))

5. nice's reaction when she saw me and my dad was so worth every penny, even more, i had in my wallet that time :)

6. when everyone in the house was asleep that night, i studied for the oral anatomy exam. which is really a major loser thing for me to do. haha

7. seeing my siblings go to campus pop made me wish i was high school again. by the way, robi domingo(the pbb kid who i am so crushing on. as in major crush) hosted the party. and i was sad because i was just outside ateneo. gaah. so close and still so far from himmm! :

8. the whole saturday, i couldn't get away from my parents because my mother kept on bribing me with food-something i could never refuse. hahaha

9. *pointing to Canon IXUS 95 IS*
me: papa, can you get me this one for christmas?
papa looks at the camera.
me: it's on sale oh :)
papa *moves away from the store.* i still have until christmas to think about it.
me*to herself* oh shit. why did i say christmas?
papa: i already bought you digicam.
m:yeah.but it's here in davao, i can't use it in manila! and besides, Canon is better than Sony.
p: i know.
END OF CONVERSATION. i feel sad. it's the first time i ever asked for something from him (usually, it's through my mom. haha) and he still thinks about it. bitter mode :

10. davao is <3

2009-08-08T17:26:00.002+08:00

two or three days ago, i soaked my pillow again with tears.
i had a breakdown. again.
this time, i didn't have samantha around (i miss my ex-bitsie/roomie)
i felt so bad so i cried. i felt worse that i was crying alone.
i felt worst knowing that i was for the same reason again.

i thought i was getting better. i 've heard myself say these words gazillion times before and those times, i knew i was lying. but now, i know that i truly believed that i was really getting better. i was back in action again. everything in my life was staring to fall in the right places-a couple of small troubles here and there but i always got through them. i know i was really okay.

so there i was living the life that i used to live 48 years ago(haha.) thinking that finally, everything's starting to get normal. of course i thought about you occassionally. but everytime it happens, i just brush off those thoughts and get on with whatever i was doing before you memory came in.

i don't know why i broke down that night or why i suddenly felt bad about everthing that happened between us. i just did and it felt really bad. i know for myself that i chose the right thing when i decided not to reply to that last message. i know that it was just right that i start to live the life i've asked from you ever since ever--a life without you so i could start on with my life again as a while person--to find myself. i knew i was succeeding. really.

these past few months, some guys have caught my interest (and i'd like to believe the i got their attention too). but everythime i picture myself with them, you'd always always pop in the scene and then the daydream would revolve around us again. and it's just so stupid because YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE IN THOSE PICTURES ANYMORE.

it's like you got everything in my life all messed up when you came int (and left).

no. i don't regret all that had happened. i cherish every moment of it. (even the worst parts). i'm so glad it all happened.

but right now, it feels like I CAN'T TAKE ANY RISKS ANYMORE. i'm so afraid of anything that will happen. i don't know how this happened but it seems like i don't know how to love anyone else anymore. i mean, i love friends and family and everyone else. but i just don't see myself getting into that kind ofrealtionship that we had. i keep on telling myself that i'm up for anything. but really, when it's time from some "moment of truth" with those guys, i get scared and start walking away-consciously or unconsciouly, i don't know. all i know is that one day, it was all good and then it's all over. and they don't even last long enough for me to enjoy them (insert weak smile)

it seems i find it so hard to believe that i could possibly like OR LOVE anyone as much as i loved you. i don't know. i gave you everything and we lost it.

don't you think it's a little unfair? there's so much i still want to say but i'll stop myself here because the mood to talk to you through my blog just flew out of my window. as if you read this. (sarcastic laugh)

:

sad.

2009-08-04T21:12:00.003+08:00

i feel jealous of her.
she can miss you and she can tell that to you.
i can't miss you if you don't allow me to.
and even if i do, i can't tell you.
she's not even worth it.
why is life unfair?

i want you. :

kapag nagpakabobo.

2009-07-17T01:24:00.003+08:00

isang araw, tiningnan ko na naman ang ating mga larawan.
bago ko pinuntahan iyon, naramdaman ko na ang kabog sa dibdib ko.
bakit ba ako kinabahan? eh wala naman na ako makikita.
at wala naman sigurong makakasakit sa akin, hindi ba?

tapos. habang tinitingnan ko ang mga larawan, naririning ko sa player ko...
"i miss your love. since you've been gone. i find it hard to go on."

tapos mababasa ko pa 'yung nakapakeso kong comment tungkol dun.
pucha. miss kita. alam mo ba yun?
siyempre hindi.

miss lang naman eh. wag kang mag-alala.wala akong balak bumalik.
ahhh!
kailangan ko lang ng tulog.
tama. tutulog ko nalang ito. para mawala na.

I miss your love, since you've been gone
I find it hard to go on
The summer sky don't mean a thing
I thought I'd always be strong
I got a feeling inside
and it's making my heart cry, cause

I'm missing you
and it's making me blue, yeah
I'm missing you
but what can I do
Thousand miles away, from you

So here I am, and everything's new
I should be happy in love
but all I know, I look deep in my eyes
I've never felt so alone
and this feeling inside
it's making my heart cry, cause

I'm missing you
and it's making me blue, yeah
I'm missing you
but what can I do
Thousand miles away, from you

So what's the meaning of this
to be living like this
it ain't no fun at all
I wonder where are you now
(I wonder where are you now)

I miss your love since you been gone
I find it hard to go on
and this feeling inside
I just break down and cry

marikit na puso

2009-07-11T20:00:00.003+08:00

kapag mahal mo ang isang tao, gusto mo lagi siyang masaya.
mamahalin mo rin lahat ng mahal niya.
at ikasasaya mo ang kahit anong makakasaya sa kanya.
kahit pa ang lahat ng ito ay nakakasakit sa iyo.
wala kang magagawa. eh sa mahal mo siya.

may mga bagay na sadyang kay daling mahalin.
ngunit mayroon ding mga bagay (o tao?) na napakahirap mahalin.

mahirap hanapin ang pagmamahal.
hindi kasi ito hinahanap. kusa lang itong lumalapit.
at kusa din itong lumalayo.

may mga pag-ibig na dumarating sa maling panahon.
at nasa sa iyong mga kamay na ipaglaban ang pag-ibig na iyon
hanggang maging tama na ang panahon.
at kapag napagod ka na, malalaman mo
na hindi na pala dapat pinaglaban ang pag-ibig na iyon.
at matatawa ka nalang.
kasi nagpakatanga ka para sa wala.

illicit affair.

2009-06-25T23:30:00.001+08:00

now i am thinking about you again.

in my alone moments, i still think of you.

just when i thought that i have been successful.

why, oh why?

i wanna cry because i miss you.

i wanna cry because despite everything that has happened and has changed, you still make me cry.

but my tears won't flow.

it won't flow for you anymore. it knows better.

i miss.

even now.

2009-06-23T01:02:00.003+08:00

finally. blogspot allowed me to open my account here again.

right now. i am listening to Barry Manilow's songs.
oldies. mellow. melancholic. full of longing.

i just experienced an unguarded moment where my thoughts suddenly drifted to you. again. this doesn't happen very often nowadays. so when i found myself thinking about you, i knew it was a condition of my brain's "slip of the tongue".

even now when i never hear your name
and the world has changed so much since you've been gone.

i still care so much about you. and i don't think i am regretting feeling it. but yeah, i do repress it because i am afraid of the pain i might feel in case i show it again. i've been in that very vulnerable position for so long and it's time to get out of it.

even now that i have come so far. i wonder where you are.

in the very rare moments i think of you, i tend to think of the good memories that we had. it doesn't hurt anymore, you know. but it leaves me empty and longing for it. so i think of the rough times that we went through. and then i get mad at you and then i think of something else and you're out of my mind na. stupid. yes. i don't care. it's how i cope with it.

even now when i come shining through. i swear i think of you.
and God, i wish you do. somehow.

one day, when fate plays a trick on us again, i hope things will be better.
because as much as i hate to admit it, i miss you. hard.

♥ ♥ ♥

malungkot mag-isa sa dorm :(

2009-04-03T17:14:00.000+08:00

What is your best friend's Mom's name? ASTER! and..i forgot earl's mom's name. :)

Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? I ONLY KNOW I HAVE A MOLE BETWEEN MY BOOBIES. HAHA

Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? ONTOY? HAHA. AC! HAHA

What body part do you wash first? FACE :)

Do you have any piercings? EARS :)

What's the strangest talent you have? I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF CHOICES EH. HAHA

What's your favorite flavored Pringles? ORIGINAL :)

Have you ever been tied up? NO?

What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? I DON'T GET GROUNDED THAT MUCH BECAUSE I LIVE AWAY FROM MY PARENTS. HAHA

Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I DON'T DRIVE. HAHA

Have you ever had two dates in one night? WISH I HAD. HAHA

How many times have you been cussed out? I DUNNO. HAHA

Which shoe do you put on first? ERM. I DON'T KNOW EITHER. HAHA

How old are you? EIGHTEEN

Have you ever been to a gay bar? NO.

Is there one thing all of your ex's have had in common? BUT I ONLY HAVE ONE EX!

Did you french kiss before you were 16? SHET. YES. HAHA

Who is the last person you think about before you fall asleep? IT'S MORE OF WHAT THAN WHO. HAHA

Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? I WONDER... :))

Have you ever found anything gross in your parent's bedroom? NOPE

What was your childhood nickname? ANINE!HAHAHAHAHA

When is the last time you played the guitar? I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DO THAT!HAHA

Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? NO.

What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? I SAID I DON'T DRIVE. HAHA

Have you ever bitten your toenails? ERR. NO. HAHA

How do you normally eat your cookies? I DON'T EAT A LOT OF COOKIES.

When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? HAHA. NO. WHY SHOULD I? :))

Name something you do when you're alone? DANCE! :))

How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? I'VE NEVER GOTTEN DRUNK. I DON'T DRINK EH :))

Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? EWW? :))

How often do you clean out your ears? I DON'T TAKE NOTE OF THOSE THINGS :))

Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? SCRUNCH. HAHA

Do you have any strange phobias? NO?

Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? NOPE.

Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted? NOPE

Have you ever called your bf/gf by another girl/guys name? I THINK. HAHA

Have you ever played naked twister? NO. HAHA

Have you ever been drunk at work? I DON'T DRINK.

Have you ever found your gf/bf's sibling more attractive? I DON'T HAVE A BF RIGHT NOW. HAHA

FACES of a student :)

2009-03-15T11:36:00.000+08:00

1. Habang nagququiz.

*haha. true :)

2. Kapag dinismiss na ng prof.

*lalo kapag after chem :))

3. Habang nag aaral

*hello, stress :)

4.Pagtanggap ng long exam.

*looks very familiar :))

5.Pag smart kang sumagot...

*wonder if it actually happens? :))

6.Pag nasuspend ang pasok dahil sa bagyo

*lalo na kapag may quiz na nacancel :)

7.Dinibdib mo ang pag-aaral tapos wala naman palang quiz

*more of, nag-aral tapos maling chapter ang pinag-aralan :))

8.Pag lumabas na mga results ng grades...

*haha. 'yun lang. haha. :)

9.pag nanghihinayang ka sa one point para pumasa

*aww. sad :(

10.pag binati ka ng crush mo. :))

*haha. kinilig ang buchi :))

11. pag gusto mong maghiganti sa kaaway mo

*kaaway--prof. haha :)

12 pag magcucut ka ng class.

*haha. okay. :))

13.pag kausap mo ang crush mo.

*lalo kapag kumanta siya. haha :)

14. tuwing enlistment. (CRS!!!) ;p

*aww. kaawa-awang nilalang :))

15.pag di mo alam paano sagutan yung quiz.

*haha. tama :)

16. pag naghihintay ng jeep

*haha. kapag naglalakad ah. lalo na ngayong summer :)

17.la ka na maintindihan sa pinagsasabi ng prof..

*more of nakikipag-usap sa katabi :))

18.pag umaasang magbibigay ng plus..

*haha. cute :)

19.ginagawa para pumasa ka..

*tama! :)

20.pag feeling mo binigay mo na best mo pero di pa rin sapat.

*that's gross. haha.

21. pag nabrain-freeze nung uminom ng shake.

*haha.

22.pagatapos ng exam..

*haha. what's that?

23.pagkatapos ng lunch.

*kung hindi ka sa caf naglunch :))

24. pag tinatamad mag-aral. or kapag sobra nang inaantok habang nag-aaral.

*haha. guilty :)

25.pag uwian na

*oh yes :)

a little too not over it.

2009-03-01T11:52:00.000+08:00

I am suppose to be doing my lab report and studying for my STS exam this wednesday. But i don't feel like doing them right now so I therefore conclude that I will be doing the art of cramming some time soon. haha

So I just finished watching "he's just NOT that into you" a few moments ago and i still can't get over their witty lines which, by the way, are very true.
ps. i watched it because the confessions of a shopaholic is in a different language. *serves me right for buying dvd's from pedro gil. haha.*

"If a guy treats you like he doesn't give a shit, it's because he doesn't give a shit. "
"If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you."
reality check. very real. haha.

"You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are. "
maybe true :)

"And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies."
cute!and funny!and true.

"And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on."
yeah. i guess she's right.

"Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."
that's the spirit!let us all not give up hope. there will always, always be that silver lining hiding somewhere behind the clouds of doubt.

And here are lines from an old song but somehow new to me because it is just now that i feel it. And you know, I hate feeling this way. It is a very stupid feeling, can i just say.

She'll say you're fine, whisper words I wish were mine
And they might have been if I had been there

Jealous of the one who'se arms are around you--If she's keeping you satisfied
Jealous of the one who finally found you--Made your sun and your stars collide
She's a very very lucky girl.

You know I'd fight the good fight if I thought I'd change your mind.
But if she makes you happy, I would leave that dream behind.
Man, she better treat you right and give you everything
'Cause at the moment she doesn't, I'll be waiting in the wings

sunday afternoons can make you eat a lot of junk food and think about things you should not be thinking. thea says she misses her piano teacher whom she used to meet every Sunday afternoon for the piano lessons. at least that keeps her sane and happy. thea says she wants a big hug, too. and lots of chocolates with some pancakes, too.

endless tears.

2009-02-19T18:48:00.000+08:00

i woke up this morning and realized that it was 8:45. shit. my class was 8:30.

and i had two exams to take today*luckily it wasn't the first subject for the day*

because the first subject was ORGCHEM. the ever wonderful orgchem.

and then i got a message.

tixa:"thea, lumabas na ang results sa lec. i didn't get your paper"

thea:"can't you take a look at my score lang?please"

and then i go on cursing myself for missing the class today because i was oversleeping. i've always been present in that class. of all days. dang.

natsci class.

wow. i was too nervous about the exam. i feel so unprepared eventhough i stayed up super late*don't ask how late* the other night. then trishy enters the room.

me:TIXAAAAA*with my effin' annoying voice*

so she sat near me and told me she'll write my score in a paper.

so she wrote it: "XX"

wow. wow. wow.

I FAILED THE EXAM YET AGAIN!

*that line took ten years for me to write. damn. i still couldn't believe it*

it was very frustrating. i studied hard for that effin' valentine day exam. i prepared for it for two weeks. or maybe even more because i vowed to myself the first time i failed there that i will never fail an exam again and i get that grade?

i couldn't even begin to describe the frustration, depression, loneliness and everything else that i felt. and my tears were like some river. it was overflowing with tears. and i couldn't help it. they just flowed out of my eyes. *imagine, taking an exam-two exams with this condition. i should get a grip*

i wanted to run back to the dorm and hide in my room. i didn't want my blockmates to see me cry. dammit. it's just one exam after all, right? the world hasn't stopped turning yet. and there are more exams, right? i can still do better, right? then what the hell am i crying for?

i don't know. really. all i know is that i can't stop feeling hurt and betrayed by that big guy up there. it made me think that he wasn't listening to me. ever. moreover, i felt like a child abandoned and unloved. i've never felt the weakest.

i know this doesn't seem a new scene to those people who have known me since highschool. but loves, i'm proud to tell you i haven't cried for my acads for a looooong time now. it's just now that i gave up on the look-at-the-positive-side-of-the-things-kind-of-thinking. just now.

during fil25, i realized that i'm acting very stupid. i mean. getting depressed and getting all the other people feel bad for me is not really a very mature thing to do considering that i am an adult now.*although i really can't help it. the nega vibes just came out and all.* so i tried to put up the brave front that i've always been showing to everyone. i wanted to show them that i'm okay.

pi100.

thea:franz, pumasa ka?

franz: oo naman!papakamatay ako kung hindi ako pumasa noh!

thea:*speechless. mind went blank and black*

*exact words. franz is that really smart girl in our batch. she calls herself nerd*

wow franz. script ko 'yun ah! that was my line! that wasn't yours! it was mineee!

that brought a new round of hysteria. i turned to tricia and told her about it.

tixa:"wag mong isipin yan. eh si franz 'yan eh"

but how could i not think of it? it was my line that she stole from me! it was the exact words that i have been telling everyone ever since i got the results from the first exam!

i couldn't take any more of this. it's just too much. it's overwhelming.

i haven't felt this level of frustration that i feel right now.ever. it's just all too much. i feel so stupid and so BOBO. *sorry, conio. no exact word in english that will translate to that word and its degree.* my self-esteem has never gone this low. it's dangerously low.

when franz said that she's going to commit suicide, i kind of wanted to thank her for the idea. *sadly, there wasn't a knife right there. so...sad.*

and everyone just kept on telling me not to feel bad and to be okay na.

"kasi hindi ako sanay na ganyan ka" *sorry, i just lost the control today.

"kasi isang exam lang naman yan." *dalawa na.

"kasi may dalawa pa" *makakabawi pa ba talaga?

"kasi kaya mo pang bumawi" *sure ka?

"kasi baka test lang yan ni Lord sayo" *ano naman naman kailangan kong ma-learn?

"kasi maganda ang outfit mo ngayon" *yeah. i liked it. too bad i destroyed it by overcrying*

"kasi may worst pa sayo. hindi lang ikaw bumagsak." *wala kasi akong pakialam sa ibag tao. i'm competing with myself, loves*

"kasi love ka namin" *i love you, too.

kasi...

i'm sorry to everyone who affected by my mood. i really just lost it there. i'll try my best to control myself next time. i'm sorry to everyone who felt that i was just overreacting. i think i was. but i didn't really mean to make a scene. really. it was just all the wrong things happening at the wrong place. i'm sorry to everyone who saw me cry and felt like i'm just being a brat. because, yes, i am a brat who wasn't given what she wanted, no, NEEDED yet again. i'm sorry, richie for hugging you too tight and soiling your blouse with my tears. you were just so hugga-bear and i badly needed a hug. i'm sorry, tixa for making you feel bad because i was feeling bad. i tried to feel better, remember? i'm sorry to those people who tried to make me smile but i ignored. i just couldn't find the strength to smile. and there are a lot more apologies to make. i couldn't put them all here.

i'm sorry if i showed everyone my weakness. you won't see me like that again.

thanks for all the crying shoulders and comforting words.

i'm sorry if they didn't seem to work. don't worry. i'll be okay, i promise. just not now. i need time to weep for this because if i don't, i might end up inside a very pretty white coffin.

i will try to feel better and move on from this failure.

after all, there's no other way than to move forward, right?

ps. there might be a lot of grammatical errors. i'm too tired to find them. sorry.

if your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be?

2009-02-10T12:35:00.000+08:00

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't cheat!

Opening Credits: SA KANYA by MYMP
*i wonder. haha :)

Waking Up: THOUSAND MILES by Vanessa Carlton
*...it's always times like this when i think of you i wonder if you ever think of me :)

First Day At School: DO YOU KNOW by Enrique Iglesias
*hala. ano daw?it sounds playful anyway :))

Falling In Love: BETTER IN TIME by Leona Lewis
*falling pa gani, better in time na! :))

Prom: WHY (soundtrack sa koreanovela na full house)
*yeah. that time everything was nonsense :)

First Boyfriend: WHEN YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME by Josh Groban
*oh yesssss. akmang-akma :))

Graduation: LOVE ME LIKE YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN by Alicia Keys
*there were people i haven't seen again since after graduation. okay narin. haha

Getting a job: APOLOGIZE by Timbalad ft. One Republic
*it's too late to apologize...does this mean i'd screw up on my first job?Oh no! :)

Marriage:WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL by Leanne Rimes
*c'mon, mamon!ang cute naman nito :)

Fight Song: THE LAST TIME by Eric Benet
*haha. last time na daw mag-aaway :)

Breaking up: WHENEVER, WHEREVER, WHATEVER by MYMP
*okay. no comment.

Life's OK: CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU by Tony Bennett
*well, this is actually one of my feel good songs :)

Mental Breakdown: WITH YOU by Chris Brown
*hmmm. with you. with you with youuuuu :)

Driving: SOMEWHERE DOWN THE ROAD by Barry Manilow
*i was driving...somewhere down the road! :))

Flashback: LUCKY by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat
*Lucky i'm in love with my bestfriend...okay. haha.

Getting Back Together: ALMOST OVER YOU by Regine Velasquez
*haha. how very ironic :)
it's not gonna happen na daw kasi eh :)

Wedding: FORGET ABOUT ME by Little Bit
*hala. this is bad :))

Final Battle: EMPTY by Click
*maybe we're trying...trying too hard. tua! lol.

Death Scene: TEARDROPS ON MY GUITAR by Taylor Swift
hanggang sa aking kamatayan, bigo parin ako sa pag-ibig?haha.

Funeral Song: WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS by Alvin and the Chipmunks
*pasko pa ako ililibing! :)

End Credits: FALL TO PIECES by Avril Lavigne
*okay. i don't want to fall into pieces :))

this was fun.
back to chem! :)

der :)

2009-02-07T14:16:00.000+08:00

i was surfing the net in our net room in the dorm when i heard my name called over the speakers:
"janine ellevera, please come down. labandera, manang teresa"
*yes. we have that kind of announcement here in our dorm. haha*

anyhoo. i left money in one of my shorts a few weeks ago and i made her pay for it because she wouldn't give me back my money and would even accuse me of accussing her wrong things when it's just plain obvious that she took it. grr.

so i don't want to talk to her anymore. so i hid so she won't see me.

and then i overheard my labandera saying bad things about me!

the nerves!

she's going to pay for that. no one attacks me with impunity :))

xoxo

2009-02-05T20:14:00.000+08:00

I was watching gossip girl season two episode 8. Yes I know, I'm like centuries behind. Blame schoolwork!hahaha

Anyhoo, there's this line I liked so much there that I so want to share:

The problem with fairy tales is that they set girls up for disappointment.
In real life, the prince goes off with the wrong princess.

how. very. true. esp, the last sentence. they leave with the princesses who will never be as good as the right princess is. probably better in one way or another but way worse in almost all aspects. ;)

xoxo

january 31, 2009

2009-01-30T20:19:00.000+08:00

alam niyo ba ang date ngayon?
january 31, 2009!
tapos?
well.
one year na akong single.
and i'm going strong!haha

happy single awareness day!hahaha :)

a sin i am so guilty of

2009-01-30T06:09:00.000+08:00

why am i writing in my blog again when i should be studying for our report later?haha
anyhoo. how to start?

i haven't been feeling good about myself for the past...uhm..year? It's like my self-esteem has lowered down significantly. i couldn't pinpoint when this started. i just know it is happening.

okay. magulo. kasi ganito 'yun. i grew up being given the attention that i wanted. even when i was little. when i enter a room, there would be at least one who would pay attention to me and my demands (but i didn't demand a lot, okay?)

and i was always seasoned with compliments. even if it's just about the color of my dress or how cute my hanky was. thanks to my mom, i kind of thought that the world is a pretty place full of nice people who would be good to me.

okay. so where is this going?haha

so when i entered UP, it was a different world. i couldn't find anyone who was at least like me or like the people that i dealt with back there in hs. (i know, childish. sorry. haha). it was hard to adjust and to blend with people. all my life, the people around me have been easier to live with because they can adjust with me and well..their lives are easier to adjust with... (tama ba ang grammar?haha. dapat hindi nag end sa preposition! tsk. haha)

that was rather messy. let's just say it this way: I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT.
i meant the things that i really really badly want. as in to the highest level na want. and i get it without much effort. they all just fall into place. i had people to give me what i want. (hello, ava, earl, mom, dad and everyone else.)

and then suddenly the world changed.
even the smallest thing that i want was suddenly unreachable. suddenly, there weren't people who were there to give me what i want. suddenly, i don't command the same attention that i used to-not only from people i know but from strangers. suddenly, i feel so terribly ugly. suddenly i don't have suitors anymore. suddenly, the brat is not given what she wanted-attention. suddenly, the world didn't revolve around me anymore.
KSP. haha.

and i am vain enough to notice it.haha.

and hell yeah.i know vanity is a sin. so i'm working on it.

ps. don't think i'm pathetic. i am trying hard to feel better! :

almost there

2009-01-24T17:58:00.003+08:00

earl:eto ang family picture
thea: he is not part of my family anymore, earl.

somewhere in my head, someone, a very small voice disagreed quite clearly.
yes. i wish that family in the picture is still complete.
even if i deny it to death, somehow, i actually wish no one there is leaving.

if you actually analyze it, his position makes him the easiest to leave. like the electrons that are on the outer shell. it's the farthest from the nucleus so the nucleus cannot exactly hold it back if it decides to leave and join another atom.so much for chemistry. so much for analogy. let's get it straight.

i do not have any strong power anymore to hold him close to me. if edward didn't have the strength to stay away from bella, well i don't have the strength to stay near him anymore, too.something in him repels me. or is it just me that repels him?have we become the same person that we repel each other now?haha. not another analogy.

anyhoo, at any case, that voice...that small voice. well, it is so small now. it is so far away. i couldn't even hear it.*well, only on some occassions. very rare occassions.

you know what they say, one day, you just wake up and you already got over him.
when you least expect it, it just happens.
well. i am one of those people who can say that now. :)

as soon as forever is through :)

2009-01-17T15:19:00.000+08:00

I once heard my teacher define true love. it's the kind of love that's otherwise known as unconditional love. the kind of love that doesn't mind whether or not your love for the person is reciprocated or not. all that matters is that the person you love is happy. and you feel happy, too. no matter what it takes to make them feel that way.

It's the kind of love God has for us. it's the kind of love everyone of us wants to feel and receive.

Yet if you look at it...there's something wrong with the statement. it's a love that does not need anything in return. does that mean even if it is futile?

futile. n, useless. pointless. fruitless.

So a futile love is a love that is pointless.

So tell me, how will you know if what you are feeling is still true love and not mere futility?surely there must be a thin line that separates these two, right?

The thing is...is there such thing as futile love in the first place?

Restoration

2009-01-14T15:11:00.000+08:00

It's been a more than a week since my birthday and i still haven't gotten over it and the events that happened over it.

but that's not what i am going to talk about right now.
what i'll be talking about is this article in my daily reflection.
wala lang. it's so beautiful. and it's soo for me:)

"God is a God of restoration. His way is not just to replace what we've lost but also to restore us.

God desired Job's innermost healing and restoration, for he involved Job in the process of forgiving the errant counselors. Job had been badly injured by several of his best friends. Without God's intervention, the suffering man would have long remembered their hurtful words and misplaced blame. He might have displayed the dignity to continue the external expressions of friendship, but he would have battled resentment for the rest of his life.

God culd have simply replaced Job's friends, but that would never have accomplished restoration. At some point, God instructed him to pray for the friends who so badly wounded him.

Prayer heals.

God is not merely trying to replace something you've lost. He's trying to touch your heart and heal you, but he requires your ccoperation. If you're willing to get down on your knees and let God begin his glorious work of restoration through prayer, he will faithfully bless 'the later days' of your life 'more than [your] beginning.'"

eighteen

2009-01-02T22:08:00.006+08:00

♥ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!♥

True love was forever lost

2008-12-29T11:33:00.005+08:00

The year is almost ending.

I was reading again new moon yesterday.

That's my favorite book in the series.*don't get me wrong. I'm not gaga over it. What i mean is if you let me choose among the four books, I'd choose new moon.

My favorite part is when Edward left her.
No..not the empty four months*or, was that five?err. i told you. haha.

I meant that forest scene.
I love that part. it's sooo real. It's the only thing there that's close to reality.

And maybe that is why i like it.

So..in connection to that, I'll share my favorite lines there because...i just want to. :)

"She wouldn't go back to her old life, not really. She wouldn't ever have moved on, I was sure of that. Even if she'd lived until she was old and gray, every time she closed her eyes, it would have been Romeo's face she saw behind her lids. She would have accepted that, eventually."

"Maybe she should have tried to settle into the leftover scraps of life that were left behind. Maybe that would have been as close to happiness as she could get."

"True love was forever lost. The prince was never coming back to kiss me awake from my enchanted sleep. I was not a princess, after all." --my all time favorite line among all the mushy lines in the books :)

"When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

"Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long. And my heart. That was definitely lost. "

I know. let me just be bitter for the last few days of the year, please?

I promise, I won't be the same again next year. I'll be alive next year. I will LIVE for myself.

That's a new year's resolution I intend to keep :)

facade.

2008-12-27T00:33:00.003+08:00

christmas passed. just like that.
guess what...

I HAVE A NEW LAPTOP!!!

it's sooo omg!as in omg!
thank you to my dad! i swear i loveee him to the highest level!haha

well.

i received plenty of gifts from my family. WALA PANG FRIENDS KO NA NAGBIBIGAY NG CHRISTMAS GIFT SA AKIN. WHY?!

anyhoo, but i'm sooo thankful for it. i swear.

then again, honestly, i think there is something wrong with me.
i could not find it in myself to feel happy-to pick up the festive mood everyone has. i am not usually like this. i am very fond of christmas. in fact, it was my favorite time of the year.

don't take it wrong. i am more than thankful for what i have. i am more blessed than i think i should be. but there is really some void in me that i cannot fill. something in me feels soo empty.

we went to our old place earlier today. in the bukid.

i saw a young couple sitting on a bahay-kubo. they were just sitting there with their kid. probably spending the last few minutes of the soldier-husband. the weather was so cold and they looked so happy there. so content. soo...everything not me. never mind that they were staring at me with over cautious eyes, i was suddenly envious of them. i was suddenly wishing that i were in their places. life is simple. as long as they are together. as long as there is rice and ulam in their tables. as long as they love each other.

i wished to God i was like them. i wish i were living their simple life-no medical diplomas to study hard for. no wishing for a new digicam or a new cellphone or a new bvlgari perfume. no big houses and cars as goals. just a family. a father. a mother. a kid or two*or three in our case. God. happiness.peace.contentment.

i need something more than material things.

but i don't know where to get them.

christmas

2008-12-23T15:21:00.003+08:00

it's been almost a month since i submitted an entry here. the days just passed as if it were in a hurry. i couldn't even remember what happened right after i wrote my last blog. where was i? i don't really know.

i told myself that i don't have reasons enought to write. i mean, there was nothing so eventful happening to me. i'm still that boring gir. one day, i felt sooo into writing so here it is:

I just finished rereading the word document that changed my whole life--our break-up documentation. I don’t know why I decided to read it. Maybe because I suddenly thought that reading Bella and Edward’s separation in New Moon is not enough to cause me pain anymore. I want the pain now. I needed to cry-to let this all out. So I could face the next days better. I just had to let the tears go out after many weeks of suppressing them. So I read again the document that started all of these crying sessions. And just like the co-author of that thing—it never fails to make me cry. It’s fun. It’s fun to feel it all over again, though not in the same intensity as before. When the wounds were still fresh, I would cry the whole night just by reading it. Now I find myself crying for a moment and leaving it there. It’s like perspiring-you have to sweat it all out and after which, you feel cooler, better inside and out. Now that’s some analogy.

I know there’s no other way to go now but to move forward. I have to start seeing things in the future and not in the past *although as I am writing this, I remember the past and some part in me still aches and I don’t know why that happens.
I love Davao, yes. But some part of me doesn’t want to return here. And the reason? THE PAIN HERE IS JUST TOO REAL. Every little thing here reminds me of that feeling I am successful in running away from when I am in Manila. I couldn’t figure why, though. I mean, there aren’t really much too much a distraction there aside from school. Maybe it’s because of the people I deal with there. Or maybe it’s because here, in my freakin’ house, every drawer that I have contains at least one thing that is his or from him or for him. You get it? It’s all about memories.

It’s all about memories. And when you think about it, those memories I once treasured so much is now being forced if not out, to the unconscious mind so as not to cause any more damage in my almost serene façade. And what’s sad, these memories are now being left to rot. No one cherishes them anymore. They have lost their value. And it hurts how much I tried to preserve them before only to realize now that they shouldn’t have been treasured as they have been. But of course, it’s too late for regrets. I just thought about it just now.

Here’s another analogy: me and those memories. They were once the center of the earth, the reason for living, the reason for fighting, the every thing of two wonderful people. After the great earthquake, everything was shaken. And I, along with those memories, fell down. From the heavens, I suddenly descended to the ground. And it was so abrupt. I fell. Yes, I did. And I was left there to be trampled on with no one who seems to care what happens to me and to the now-forgotten memories. Is it tragic? You could say that. I used to think that, too. You see? That’s another splendid analogy I have here.

After much thinking, I thought to myself if I am just being bitter on how the things turned out. I must admit I used to be. And I think the bitterness hasn’t left yet. But I am rather certain that I have overcome that feeling. No, I am not bitter. I still believe in love. I still believe that it exists-hell there are more than a million evidences that I see every day, every second of my life to prove to me it’s reality. I know it is still that thing that makes the world go round. It’s just that I have learned to believe that it is not for me. Or should I say I have come to accept that that thing is just not for me. I think I’ve had enough bliss and pain to suffer for a lifetime. I can die now…err, in that department. I still have other things I’d like to do. But in that department, I think I’m done. I know, never say forever. I just feel like that now. Don’t even think about antagonizing an agonizing hypothalamus. It’s not healthy.

Yes, nothing eventful has happened outside my systems. But right now, right there inside my agonizing hypothalamus..a lot has happened. It's sad, I guess. But I think everything happens for a reason. I believe in that. After all, I can now see the light at the end of my tunnel. It's still far. But at least I can see it.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

fil 25

2008-11-30T21:32:00.001+08:00

Dear sir del mundo,

nilipat ko po ang mga blog ko na may kinalaman sa school.
eto po ang bagong blog ko:
mariajanine.blogspot.com
naroon po ang dalawang takdang-aralin.

Salamat po sa pag intindi! :)

-thea

twilight

2008-11-30T20:24:00.002+08:00

So, I've watched the very famous TWILIGHT and after which, I read the book in less than 24 hrs :)

Movie: It was okay. I lost my jacket before I went inside the cinema so I wasn't in the mood. Can I just say, the movie, for me, is just another hollywood movie :)

I do not mean to be condemned by the saga's fan, but it's just what I think about it. The lines were kinda cheesy. What more, the ending was hanging. If I'm going to rate it, 10-highest and 1-lowest...I'd say it's an 8. See, it ain't that bad for me. :)

I do have my favorite part,though. When they arrived together in school riding his Silver Volvo. And while everyone was looking at them, Edward put his arms around Bella. Well, that's the only time I felt "kilig".

Book: Don't get me wrong. The only reason why I finished it in less than 24 hours is this: I started reading it after my 10 am class on friday. After which, I had lab. I started reading it again at around 4pm. On the way to earl's show, I read it on the bus because there was nothing to do. After Earl's show, I had no place to sleep in since it was already 2 am and our dorm closes at 9pm. I stayed in Starbucks-Adriatico and finished the book there with my white chocolate-Grande.

In short, I finished it in less than a day because I had nothing to do. The book was well written, though I think I should have read it before I watched it because I kinda knew what was gonna happen. And the book is just, again, one of those books that I read. I wasn't brought to tears nor moved to feel anything. It was just like the story unfolded infront of me. I'm giving it a 7 :)

I hope no one's gonna turn me into some vampire or werewolf for saying these things. It's just my opinion.

I think the reason why every girl is in love/mesmerized/dazzled by Mr. Cullen is that he is what we wish every guy would be.
He was always there when she needed someone to save her life.
He was very mysterious.
He wasn't ashamed of his feelings for Bella.
He was DROP DEAD GORGEOUS (Robert Pattinson gave justice to him)
but he chose the ordinary Bella.
There were a lot of girls flirting with him but his attention was focused on Bella.
And (for me, this is the sweetest): He watched her every movement-even in her sleep.

He's PERFECT.

But if we think critically, Edward Cullen have never, do not and will never exist. There's no such thing as forever and I firmly believe in that. Trust me. I'm not just being bitter here. Their love story is one of a kind, yes. But I guess the real love stories-the ones that really happen in our lives are way better than theirs.

Though I must admit, I think I need my own Edward Cullen.

♥♥♥

HALIK

2008-11-25T18:24:00.002+08:00

kanina, habang papauwi ako galing sa gym (oo, nag-ggym na ako.), kumakain ako ng yogurt.
ang sarap sarap ng yogurt. tapos oh...sa may leon guinto st., sa harap ng isang korean spa...tenenen...

may couple. and they were kissing. sa loob ng car. hahaha. wala lang. funny lang. kasi, naka-on ang headlights nila, naka-on ang car engine at nasa ilalim sila ng street light. o ha? o ha?

ayun. wala naman akong comments or violent reaction. nagkwento lang ako :)

♥

almost

2008-11-24T20:32:00.005+08:00

so maybe i am sad.
or not.
i don't know.

they were right when they said that the only thing that can make you happy when you are sad...is the person who's the reason for your loneliness.

oh c'mon. i can do better than that.

my horoscope says i should give up.
the universe is conspiring and they're telling me the same things.

i just wonder....

DID I MAKE IT THAT EASY FOR YOU TO WALK RIGHT IN AND OUT OF MY LIFE-TO COME AND GO AS YOU PLEASE?

i hope you get to read this.
i'm praying to the heavens and to the whole universe.
even though i know that prayer is one of those you get NO for an answer.
and that's sad.

♥♥♥

sisig.

2008-11-21T19:39:00.004+08:00

friday.
hell day.

i started my day by waking up at exactly 10:04 am. and my class was to start at 10am.
i should die. i arrived 30 minutes late. i don't think i made a good impression with my teacher.
sorry, ma'am jose.

lab. we had a discussion on the nomenclature of organic compounds. i was studying the night before so that i could be prepared. but i should have known that in UP, you could never be prepared for anything...never.

so we had a quiz. and i failed it. we were dismissed right after the quiz so i started to busy myself with other thoughts so as not to feel anything. i texted my mom and a whole lot of people. i talked to everyone i met. i walked fast in rob, ate something and made myself think of everything except that lab class. i was running away from it.

suddenly, i felt tired of running, so i slowed down. then i let everything sink in.
i wandered around robinson's and suddenly, everything became so depressing. i felt the emotion. i felt all of it. i was tired of running away from all those. i was tired of being strong.

then i felt it. that familiar stinging sensation. it came from my throat and i couldn't breath anymore. i was hoping it would just leave me. it stayed and didn't go away. and then that hot lava flow from my eyes started. i was on the street and it just kept on flowing. i had to walk facing down.

i'm just so tired of trying to be strong-not only for myself, but for everyone. i don't know how all of these became like this. but one thing's for sure---i'm on the verge of giving up.

takdang-aralin sa fil 25

2008-11-18T21:56:00.005+08:00

ako ay magtatagalog na naman, mga minamahal. dahil ang aking isusulat sa blog ko ngaun ay ang aming takdang-aralin sa asignaturang fil25.

ito ay ukol sa mga teorya ng pinagmulan ng wika as in...theory of the origing of language. gets? :)

iba't-ibang mga hypothesis ang lumalabas ukol sa pinagmulan ng wika.

A. Invention Hypothesis

*Teoryang Ding-dong = ang language ay nagmula ng pinangalanan ng mga tao ang mga bagay-bagay alinsunod sa mga tunog na naririnig nila mula sa mga ito.
hal. crash= kulog; boom=pagsabog

*Teoryang pooh-pooh = ang language ay nagmula sa mga tunog na mula sa mga tao kapag nakakaramdam sila ng mga emosyon.
hal. hahaha=tawa; wawawa=iyak

*Teoryang bow-wow = ang language ay nagmula sa tunog ng mga hayop.
hal. moo=baka; meow=pusa

*Teoryang ta-ta = ayon kay Charles Darwin ang language ay nagmula sa mga aksyon na ginaya ng mga organs of speech.

B. Necessity Hypothesis

*Warning Hypothesis = ang mga unang salita ay mga index na ginamit sa pang-araw-araw na buhay ng mga sinaunang tao lalo na ang mga salita na kailangan kapag may nakaantabay na panganib.

*Teoryang yo-he-ho = ang language ay nagmula 'on the basis of human cooperative effort'

*Lying Hypothesis = ang pangangailangang magsinungaling sa pamamagitan ng salita at hindi ang mga actions lamang *na nagpapakita ng totoong damdamin ng tao* ang siyang nagtulak na magkaroon ng linguahe.

ang pinakapaborito ko sa lahat ng teorya ay ang 'lying hypothesis'. Kahit na medyo malayo ito sa katotohanan, masasabi mong may logic ang teoryang ito. Makikita naman sa panahon ngayon na kahit papano, masasabi nating totoo ang sinasabi ng teoryang ito--madalas ang mga salita ay ginagamit upang malinlang ang kausap mo...lalo na kung mahusay ka sa pagsisinungaling. Sana nga lang hindi ito totoo para sa lahat.

mahirap magtranslate ng english sa tagalog. goodluck naman. saya-saya. sana may natutunan kayo. hahaha. <3

semestral break '08

2008-11-15T13:14:00.000+08:00

The most recent sembreak that i had was the most memorable for me. I don't actually know why. Maybe because of what happened to me for the past few months before the break such that the familiar faces of my high school friends were a relief and something that reminded me that life is still beautiful.

Oh yes. UP Manila 1st sem of the 2nd year in pre-dentistry was hell for me. And I mean hell.
I was surrounded by dead cats and people you wish were dead. hahaha. seriously.
There were a lot of mean people whose pleasure was to lower my self-esteem. And indeed, they kind of succeeded.

So when it was time for sembreak, I couldn't wait to meet my friends.

First adventure was zipline at camp sabros with:
MISCHA-who took us in when we had no place to go. *naks. oa. hahaha
EARL-the only guy in the group...who lost his camera.
ALEXA-who was my partner in riding the line.
KATE-who was the first to 'mudslide'. hahaha. followed by mischa. :)
BABA/JOAN- who was in love with ica. *she always took pictures of her.
ICA-the goddess of sleep. haha
KAX-dakilang driver.

I really had fun with this people. Baba had a lot of stories to tell about our batchmates and their school...and those who live...'there'. hahaha. Kax was also noisy while driving. She's the best driver, if you ask me. uiii. hahaha. The ride to the mountains was fun. Mischa's car kept stopping to wait for us*we were in kax's car, which apparently was having a hard time trudging the hill. After the car thing, we had to climb this muddy mountain. The zipline part was really fun. You should try it. And the cable car...well..it was scary..At least I had my friends with me...and mischa's guava na siya pa ang pumitas. hahaha. The overnight at mischa's hotel and the annoying and frustrating mind games that we played was great. It was all so natural. No pretensions. Pure fun. The experience with them was something I wouldn't exchange for anything.

Next great event was miming's debut. Masquerade! Paper faces in Parade! :)
The party was great. Although, Miming looked kinda stressed at the start, I think she managed to have fun during the dancing part. The people were just so lovely. Ernest's alien mask was the best mask of the night. I met a lot of manila people whom I seldom see even if we are in the same region in the Philippines. Lol. And I met the my other classmates that I kinda lost contact. It became a mini 'reunion' of 4-loyola. and some more. Patrick stole the scene with the help of his pout and his dance moves. Although he was defeated by the little kid who looked way better in dancing than P3 did. hahaha. love you, pat. Thanks to Baba for my ride half-way home :)

I met my best friends too! They went to our house at around 1am. Mantakin mo. They both sneaked out and guess what...They just stayed in my house for 10mins. Hell, I love them both to bits :)

Next morning,
MaMa: Oh, pumunta sina Ava kagabi?
Thea: Opo! exactly 1am.
MaMa: I'm amazed how your friends think.
Thea: I am too. But they're my best friends anyway.

And of course, the big question: NAGKITA KAYO NI RJ?

Malamang. I even had an entry for him. And remember? We're best friends. ; )

In between these events was coffee and malling with my closest friends. Chika-galore and everything else. I miss these people. I'm looking forward to the next breaks and I'm hoping it will be as fun and as memorable as the most recent one.

With these people, I feel at home. I feel that I belong. I feel that I'm accepted. No pretensions, love. No misjudgement. No parinig's. No hurtful words. No gossips. No plastics. Just pure friendship. Pure love. ♥

the story of the brat and the brattiest.

2008-11-11T23:14:00.006+08:00

dear gold-digger in pink.

yes, that's you.
i didn't want to waste one whole entry for you.
but the thought of you keeps bugging me the whole day.
there's no denying-i thought about you the whole day.
and the thought of you made me throw up.

i just want you to know that whatever you are trying to do with your life,
please do not include me for i do not want anything to do with your messed life.
my life is already complicated as it is and i don't need additional baggage.
look for someone else. I DO NOT NEED YOU AND YOU EFFIN' WORDS.

and let me tell you this:
with the way you are acting, i think you make yourself look like
an UNEDUCATED, ILL-MANNERED, RANTING SOCIAL CLIMBER
who just can't get enough of me :)

i don't know what i did to you
or what i am able to do with you considering the way
you are acting toward me.
rest assured, i will act according to my class-not yours.

and here's some final word for you:
you're a brat, yes. I'M THE BRATTIEST. :)

love,
thea. <3>

moment in the woods

2008-11-10T21:55:00.003+08:00

over coffee at karls' -my second time that week:

thea: are you over me?
rj: no. ikaw?
thea: not either.

hahaha. funny.

dorm mates *and everyone else. : bakit hindi kayo nagkabalikan?

IT'S COMPLICATED.

aaaah. masakit talaga sa ulo, loves. ibang level. hahaha.

maybe it's the beginning of the end?
i don't know.
i wish i could answer all my questions.

and i suddenly wish he's right beside me now, though. hahaha.

i miss him.

was that me wearing my heart on my sleeves?haha.

no.

that was just some moment in the woods .

♥

I want you to read this.

2008-11-01T13:06:00.004+08:00

This is going to be my first entry where I will write in mixed languages and where i will reveal my true feelings about something with no censor things and no pretensions.

I thinks it's safe to talk here since:

1. not a lot of people read my blog.
2. he will not see it.
3. i trust you will not tell this to anyone.

So if you are reading this, you're either of these:

1. you're a part of the rj-dibe fans club (higher ang level nito sa kimerald or brangelina. haha)
2. isa kang malaking gossip girl. or boy.
3. you just care about me. thanks.

Alam mo na tungkol kanino ito. Namention ko na ang name niya.

These past few months didn't go on exactly as what I planned it to be. Supposedly, after the break up, I move on. After 3 months, find a new guy maybe or just plainly move on. It didn't happen that way. So I actually resigned to the fact that moving on is not coming that easy to me. But I never lose hope and willingness to do such thing. God knows how many crazy rituals I did in order to convince myself and everyone else that I am definitely moving on.

But the other person didn't seem to help me.

After the break up, things didn't really change that much. We still talk the way we used to talk and use words we used to use. Take out all the iloveyou in our conversations and presto, that's how our conversations go.

He seems to be unsure where he exactly wants to stand in my life.He keeps on drawing me in and out. It's not exactly urong-sulong since we are not in that ligaw stage.

To make things clear, here's an example:

Monday evening, I go online and he's online. We talk until the wee hours of morning(when i say wee, i mean up until around 3am as the earliest time to go to sleep ). This goes on for two days.

The conversations are not those on the friendship level. I'm quite sure of that. Who the hell says, "I wish you were here right now" to his ex? Him.

And who's stupid enough to believe it?Yours truly.

Tuesday. Another conversation.

Wednesday. He's lost...until after 1 or 2 weeks.

And the same thing happens over and over and over again.

So you ask me why I haven't completely moved on?Now, you know.

Ang hirap noh? Ang kulit kasi ng lahi ng iba dyan. Ewan ko kung manhid ba siya o talagang nagbubulag-bulagan lang o nanandya lang. I don't really know. And as much as I would like to say that I don't care, I do. Very much. After all, we are talking about my feelings here.

I met him during the break. And while we were talking, someone who's name is exactly like my bff called him. Bang. Sakit.

Jealous? You could say that.

Hurt? Sinabi mo pa!

Do I have any right to feel those? NO. isang malaking NO.

Tixa's comment: First of all, what the hell were you thinking going out with your ex?

Thanks, trishy.

So, there. But my heart's not broken, you know. After all, how can it get broken when it wasn't even whole to start with? Yes...kanta 'yan!

Dagdag mo pa ang mga taong nang-iintriga. I know, I'm a star. hahaha. *sarcastic laugh*

Sometimes I wish I never met him. Or if I did, I wished I never fell in love with him. But that's very rare, though.

I actually learned a lot from him and our so-called 'relationship'. And I do not really regret it. Except for very few times.

number one lesson: FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST.

Every Sunday when I go to church, I pray for the strength to move on, to let go, to just accept things as they are. And just when I think that my prayer has been answered...ta-da...he's back with more complication.

It seems a never-ending journey to nowhere. When I see him happy with other girls, I get...well, sad. I suddenly wish I was that girl. After a while, I go bitter-mode and tell myself to forget him. If only things were easier.

I don't know if he knows that he's making my head and my heart hurt. I don't know what are his feelings either. And I always I'm afraid to find out that he's not feeling the same way as I do. Pero ang natatakot talaga ako ngayon ay makita ang pangalan ko sa listahan ng mga babaeng tuwang-tuwa siyang paiyakin. *oo. he admitted to me that he likes making the girls cry for him.* Sana naman wala ako dun.

But don't get angry with him, okay? Who knows, he might be feeling the same pain as i do. Or I am just overreacting to these things. Or I just need some psychiatrist.
Just don't judge him. This is just one side of the coin. There's another one.

And after all, he's still the prince charming of this princess.
A prince who was made only to be charming, not sincere.

♥ ♥ ♥

dadadada.

2008-10-31T13:33:00.000+08:00

THIS IS A LONG DELAYED POST. I ALWAYS FORGET TO EDIT THIS. BUT HERE IT IS NOW. yeay. :)

it's been a long while.
blame it on finals week.
i haven't been getting enough sleep for the past how many days.
but it's all over now.
HELLO SEMESTRAL BREAK!:)

let's rewind first.

i haven't talked about recent happenings in my life lately so here:

last week was completely boring.
but there was something very interesting.

friday, 0ct. 10. 2008
the day/night before my make or break exam in biology 102.
i haven't finished reading everything so i stayed up until 3am.
we get alarms to wake us up.
i set my alarm at 3 am to tell me, it's time to sleep.
and i woke up at 5 am.
with a whooping two hours of sleep, i took the last exam ever in bio102.

after the exam, my blockmates and i started to get ready for our interview with manix abrera.
it was fun. really.

here are some pics:

richie. thea. mother hen.
we love purple!:)

tina. ate kite. ate eula. richie. kuya rau. bianca:
we're finally in diliman!:)

tina. kurt. manix abrera. richie:
rakenrol!:)

group picture:
manix hearts raul:)

so, this is how he draws...

keep guessing

2008-10-27T17:40:00.001+08:00

omg.

i lose the game again.

i am lost under your spell.

while you go on with your life,

as if nothing ever happened.

but i wanted all of those anyway.

i wanted those moments.

i want you too much, it hurts.

xo.

the past

2008-10-19T23:15:00.002+08:00

i was 'cleaning' my cabinet when i fumbled to these pictures of these distant loves. my ghed. what innocent faces.

because it was taken when life was a whole lot easier.